WEBVTT

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Paisley: Hi everybody, Paisley
imperfect hair with a with

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another message today. Well
tomorrow. I'm recording this

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Monday night tomorrow, Tuesday
when this is actually published

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is International Friendship Day.
So I thought we could do a

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message on being a friend and
friendship, what it really

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means.

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And if you remember, that's
actually one of the things in

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President Kimball's talk about
how when we become friends with

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those who are not of our faith,
how it will bring them in, it

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will lead them to their Savior
and bring them into the church.

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So I wanted to start with I'm
going to flip flop back and

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forth between two talks. One is
called what is a friend from

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October 1972, Marvin J. Ashton
and the other one is called

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friendship a gospel principle
and is from April of 1999, and

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is Marlin K. Jensen. So that's
not going to get confusing at

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all right, Marvin?

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Marvin J. Ashton, Marlin K.
Jensen. That's gonna be fun.

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So what is a friend's in the
October one? So elder Ashton

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said, someone who said, A friend
is a person who is willing to

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take me the way I am accepting
this as one definition of the

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word. May I quickly suggest that
we are something less than a

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real friend. If we leave a
person the same way we find him?

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I'm, I think it was my dad, the
first time that I heard it. My

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dad always had these one liners
that I always thought were

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awesome. And until, I don't
know, probably 10 years ago,

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maybe I thought he made most of
them up.

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But he did not that he might
have actually gotten this one

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from this talk, I don't know.
But he he used to tell me. Of

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course, I love you the way you
are, of course, I love you the

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way you are. But I love you too
much to leave you that way.

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And I've used that in seminary
lessons and in young women

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lessons to make a point that, of
course, our heavenly Father

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loves us the way we are. And
especially in today's world

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where everything is all about
me, it's the Me, me, me. I need

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to take care of myself, I need
to focus on myself, I need to

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find myself, I need to reinvent
myself. It's the Me, me me,

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syndrome, whatever you want to
call it.

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Of course, our heavenly Father
loves us the way that we are. Of

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course he does. But he didn't
put us on this planet. He didn't

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give us mortality. He didn't
give us the plan of salvation to

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leave us the way that we are.
The whole point is to become

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better versions of ourselves to
become the best version of

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ourselves. So again, I'm just
gonna reiterate really quick,

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elder Ashton. Accepting this saw
a friend is a person who is

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willing to take me the way I am
accepting this as one definition

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of the word. May I quickly
suggest that we are something

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less than a real friend if we
leave a person the same way we

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find him a real friend.
Actually, he goes on and I

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really liked this part two, he
said acts of a friend should

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result in self improvement,
better attitudes, self reliance,

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comfort, consolation, self
respect and better welfare.

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Certainly the word friend is
misused. If it is identified

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with a person who contributes
toward to our delinquency,

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misery, and heartaches has not a
friend, a friend will help us

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become better. A friend will
help us as we self reflect a

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friend will encourage us to make
the best of a bad situation.

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Sure, there's some validation
and whatnot, that should

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probably also be included. But
if those are the only kinds of

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friends that we're seeking, the
ones that validate where we

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currently are, and don't
challenge us to become better

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versions of ourselves.

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In my opinion, that's not really
a true friend.

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He says when we make a man feel
he has wanted his whole attitude

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changes. Our friendship will be
recognizable if our actions and

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attitudes results in improvement
and independence.

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Think about the people that you
consider to your friends. And is

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it him or is it it is okay. So
in older Ashton's talk he I

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asked he shares he asked the
question to a bunch of different

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people in a bunch a bunch of
different places in their lives.

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And he asked Who is your best
friend, and an eight year old

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girl said it was her mom because
she's nice to me. A priest aged

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young man, so somewhere between
16 and 18 said it was his bishop

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because he listens to him. A 19
year old girl was her teacher,

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because she's always available
to me even after class. 13 year

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old boy said my Scoutmaster
because he does everything with

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us. A prisoner, said the
chaplain, because he believes in

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me, he believed me sometimes
when he shouldn't have a husband

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said my wife, because she's the
best part of me. And then he

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suggests, actually, he suggests
that before this, but he

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reiterates his question from
these can we not conclude that

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friendship is earned?

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Friendship isn't something that
is just given away, it's not

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something that you just
automatically have sure you Yes,

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you can have connections with
people immediately immediate

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connections. I've had those
before, too. But true friendship

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is earned.

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So I have, gosh, I am very
blessed to have quite a few

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friends in my life. And I have
three friends, four actually

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that I can think of off the top
of my head right now, who really

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push me.

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They say the hard things to me.
When I asked them for feedback,

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did I handle that Okay? they'll
tell me, Oh, you could have

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handled it a little bit better.
You could have done it a little

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bit differently. Or they'll hear
somebody else say something

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about me. And then they'll come
to me, and they'll just be like,

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Hey, I heard this thing. It's
probably from this. I know that

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you want to know. So here's
something that somebody said,

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Here's what I think it means.
And they'll like, they'll help

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me figure it out so that I can
so that I can become a better

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version of myself.

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He says a friend is a person who
will suggest and render the best

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for us regardless of the
immediate consequences. And then

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he gives the example of Winston
Churchill. He says Sir Winston

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Churchill became Great Britain's
greatest friend in his country's

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darkest hour because he was
courageous enough to call for

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blood toil, tears and sweat.
When some would have accepted

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Him more readily as a friend, he
advocated peaceful surrender. So

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I take that to mean, I'm not a
war experts. But I take that to

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mean that we have we have
friends. And we have

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acquaintances, we have good
friends who come at us with

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blood toil, tears and sweat
instead of just placating us.

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And just, again, like I said,
validation. Yes, validation is

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important, but validate me, and
then correct me. When when I'm

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ready for it. Correct me? Do you
remember this one time when you

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said this? You weren't ready to
hear it then. But I think you're

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ready to hear it now. And tell
me that as a true friend,

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Lincoln, he quotes Abraham
Lincoln.

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President Abraham Lincoln was
once criticized for his attitude

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towards his enemies. Why do you
try to make friends of them as

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an associate you should try to
destroy them? And I love

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Lincoln's reply, am I not
destroying my enemies when I

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make them, my friends?

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They are no longer his enemies.
And that quote also suggests

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that he didn't change to become
friends with them. He changed

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them so they could become
friends with him.

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Let's see. There is I'm going to
switch over to friendship elder

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Jensen's talk. And he talks
about how friendship friendships

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specifically as friendship is
not mentioned in the scriptures

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very often. There is that
scripture that says, And he

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quotes it in here somewhere that
says no greater love.

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There's no greater love than
this that a man lay down his

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life for his friends. When he's
talking. He's the Savior is

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talking to his disciples. Oh,
must be another Ashton's talk.

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But, so but he points out elder
Jensen points out that perhaps

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one reason is quote from his
talk. Perhaps one reason the

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scriptures make little specific
mention of the principle of

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friendship is because it should
be manifest quite naturally as

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we live the gospel. In fact, if
the consummate Christian

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attribute of charity has a first
cousin. It is friendship.

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And then he replaces in that
scripture that many of us are

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very familiar with. He replaces
the word charity with

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friendship. Let's see, and that
is in the Scripture is First

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Corinthians, chapter 13. He
says, friendships suffereth long

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in his kind, friendship envy, if
not seek, if not her own, is not

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easily provoked. thinketh no
evil friendship never fail. If

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one of these four friends that I
was just talking about a minute

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ago, I said something really
stupid to her once. And I didn't

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even think about it.

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I actually said it. I didn't say
it to her. I set it to one or

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the other three, in front of
her. And still to this day, it

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eats me up inside. She has
probably forgotten about it. But

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I've been thinking about it all
day as I've been getting ready

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for this. So after this, I will
be sending a text message to

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apologize for something I said a
really long time ago that was

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really stupid. But it's still
eating at me.

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Also, in elder Jensen's talk, he
says if we truly want to be

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tools in the hands of our
Heavenly Father and bringing to

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pass his eternal purposes, we
need only to be a friend. If you

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think about it, the first two
commandments that Jesus gave

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when asked the famous question,
which is the greatest of all the

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commandments, the first to have
to deal with friendship, right?

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Love God, and love your neighbor
as yourself. Just be a friend.

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That's all that we need to do.
That really simplifies

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everything, doesn't it?

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He says, again, elder Jensen,
all of our interactions in the

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church are made more enjoyable
and productive when they are

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accompanied by genuine feelings
of friendship.

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And he talks about different
kinds of friends. In this

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article he talks about. He talks
about husband and wife being

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friends and quotes a letter from
Joseph Smith to his wife, Emma.

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Oh my affection and Emma, I want
you to remember that I am a true

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and faithful friend to you and
the children forever. He talks

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about the friendship between
parents and children.

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He talks about the organization
of the church and how it fosters

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friendships. He said from our
youngest to our oldest years, we

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are in settings where friendship
and sociality can flourish. In

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interviews, meetings, classes,
quorums, councils, activities

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and a variety of other
opportunities for Association,

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we can make friends and find
understanding.

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We are set up to become friends.

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Hmm, I'm okay, I'm going to come
back to the I just I had a

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thought I'm going to come back
to it here in just a little bit.

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He talks about the teacher or
like a teacher student

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relationship, a teacher of the
gospel, for instance, who

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doesn't be friend, his or her
students will sell them teach

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with lasting influence and
effect.

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He talks about a bishop who is a
bishop no matter how skilled and

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administrative matters must be a
friend to children, youth and

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adults if he has to help them
reach their spiritual potential.

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All of these things are coming
through friendship.

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He talks about okay, yeah, this
is what I wanted to talk about

00:13:42.490 --> 00:13:47.680
this. So he tells this story of
a time when he was serving as a

00:13:47.680 --> 00:13:52.630
bishop. And there was a family
who had just moved into his ward

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from a community back east,
somewhere out on the eastern the

00:13:59.170 --> 00:14:02.800
eastern half of the United
States. And they moved into this

00:14:03.280 --> 00:14:07.990
Utah community from so they
moved in from a branch they had

00:14:07.990 --> 00:14:13.750
just gotten baptized, back east,
they were in like a small

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branch, and they move out to
Utah into this highly

00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:19.960
established Ward and they just
kind of slipped through the

00:14:19.960 --> 00:14:20.680
cracks.

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This was back in 1999. This
still happens. They especially

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when people move they move in to
show up for a Sunday or two.

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Don't make an immediate friend
and sometimes we see him again

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and sometimes we don't.

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But he talks about how one
Sunday he noticed that the the

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father of this family was
missing from a priesthood

00:14:44.890 --> 00:14:48.220
meeting and so he left the
church and he went over to the

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guy's house to find out what was
going on.

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And they talked about, he says
after exploring, after exploring

00:14:56.230 --> 00:14:59.680
various possibilities for
responding to his concerns, none

00:14:59.680 --> 00:15:02.890
of which seemed to appeal to him
very much. I asked him with a

00:15:02.890 --> 00:15:05.560
tone of frustration in my voice,
just what we could do to help

00:15:05.560 --> 00:15:09.850
him. I've never forgotten his
reply. Well, Bishop, for

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heaven's sake, whatever you do,
please don't assign me a friend.

00:15:15.640 --> 00:15:20.320
How many times through visiting
teaching or home teaching and

00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:23.470
even ministering have, we felt
like we have been assigned a

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friend, somebody just to make
sure that we're okay, just in

00:15:27.490 --> 00:15:31.240
case there's an earthquake, but
they're not. They're just

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assigned to us. They're just,
we're just a name. Right? We're

00:15:35.350 --> 00:15:39.340
just a name on a list to them.
He says, I learned a great

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lesson that day. No one wants to
become a project. We all want

00:15:43.930 --> 00:15:47.320
spontaneously to be loved. And
if we are to have friends, we

00:15:47.320 --> 00:15:50.890
want them to be genuine and
sincere, not assigned.

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The church has done in my
opinion. I don't, I don't really

00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:02.560
want this to be a visiting
teaching slash ministering.

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Focus. I want to keep this
focused on friendships. But I

00:16:06.640 --> 00:16:07.810
can't not say it.

00:16:09.040 --> 00:16:13.420
I struggled with visiting
teaching, I struggled with it. I

00:16:13.420 --> 00:16:18.700
had always felt like an assign a
friend. Not I never felt like

00:16:18.820 --> 00:16:23.380
the people who were assigned. I
never felt like the people who

00:16:23.380 --> 00:16:28.210
were assigned to teach me felt
like they were assigned to teach

00:16:28.210 --> 00:16:31.900
me. I felt like I was being
assigned to people.

00:16:34.090 --> 00:16:45.070
That that didn't need me. That's
not the way that I felt like

00:16:45.100 --> 00:16:49.630
they thought I thought that they
thought that I was just being

00:16:49.630 --> 00:16:55.120
assigned to them. Just as an
assign a friend. That's how it

00:16:55.150 --> 00:16:59.200
always felt. I got to show up
with a message and some little

00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:05.860
handout or a little treat, which
is so not my style. I'm not. I

00:17:06.010 --> 00:17:09.130
think I got asked to teach
Relief Society once I don't do

00:17:09.130 --> 00:17:12.100
tablecloths. I don't do flowers.
Like that's just not that's not

00:17:12.100 --> 00:17:15.160
my thing. If the spirit isn't
enough to bring me in.

00:17:16.900 --> 00:17:20.890
I'm not saying that there's
anything wrong with that. My

00:17:20.890 --> 00:17:28.090
point is ministering changed
ministering, when they announced

00:17:28.090 --> 00:17:30.580
the change from home and
visiting teaching to

00:17:30.580 --> 00:17:36.430
ministering, I was like, thank
goodness, finally, we are taking

00:17:36.430 --> 00:17:39.730
this program and making it what
it's always supposed to have

00:17:39.730 --> 00:17:45.400
been from the start. We
shouldn't have to be assigned to

00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:50.590
go find people. And actually a
Relief Society president in my

00:17:50.590 --> 00:17:54.190
ward took a really good
approach. This was

00:17:56.800 --> 00:17:59.530
the one right before the one we
have now. But the one that we

00:17:59.530 --> 00:18:02.590
have now has continued on with
it. She took a really good

00:18:02.590 --> 00:18:07.360
approach. And she started asking
people, who do you want to be a

00:18:07.360 --> 00:18:08.290
minister to?

00:18:10.150 --> 00:18:16.870
And you might think, and I
thought at first and I asked her

00:18:16.870 --> 00:18:19.750
later, I answered the question,
I told her who I wanted to be a

00:18:19.750 --> 00:18:24.880
minister to. They weren't the
people that I told her. Were not

00:18:24.880 --> 00:18:28.990
my best friends. It's not like I
was trying to make my clique

00:18:28.990 --> 00:18:32.170
stronger or anything like that.
They were people that I

00:18:32.200 --> 00:18:35.470
genuinely wanted to get to know
better, and serve.

00:18:36.700 --> 00:18:40.630
And when I asked her later, I
was like, so did everybody get

00:18:40.630 --> 00:18:46.660
covered? And she was like, yep,
multiple times. Everybody got

00:18:46.660 --> 00:18:47.260
covered.

00:18:48.550 --> 00:18:53.410
Everybody had a ministering
sister. And they were chosen.

00:18:53.770 --> 00:18:55.270
Somebody chose them.

00:18:56.800 --> 00:19:00.190
Okay, I should caveat that not
everybody did, because there are

00:19:00.190 --> 00:19:03.280
some people who aren't there.
And you just don't even know

00:19:03.280 --> 00:19:05.950
that they're, you just don't
even know that they're there.

00:19:05.950 --> 00:19:09.070
They've been inactive for so
long. You're new in the area.

00:19:09.430 --> 00:19:11.530
They just moved in. So you
didn't know that they were

00:19:11.530 --> 00:19:17.290
there. Not everybody. She had to
make some assignments to cover

00:19:17.290 --> 00:19:24.160
the people that nobody knew
about. But she, as part of the

00:19:24.190 --> 00:19:29.350
initial question, Who do you
want to minister to? And would

00:19:29.350 --> 00:19:33.580
you be willing to minister to
somebody who you don't know

00:19:33.580 --> 00:19:34.810
because they're not here?

00:19:36.820 --> 00:19:42.070
Majority of people answered yes.
And everybody was easily

00:19:42.070 --> 00:19:47.230
covered. I can't tell you if our
statistics went up. Frankly, I

00:19:47.230 --> 00:19:49.450
don't really care that much of
our statistics went up because

00:19:49.450 --> 00:19:51.670
these people are not numbers.
They are people.

00:19:52.750 --> 00:19:55.210
If I was the Relief Society
president I might care if the

00:19:55.210 --> 00:19:58.540
statistics went up, but only
from the perspective of making

00:19:58.540 --> 00:19:59.950
sure that everybody was covered.

00:20:02.930 --> 00:20:06.110
Even using that language is a
little counterproductive, isn't

00:20:06.110 --> 00:20:08.510
it? I just want to make sure
everybody's covered. Everybody's

00:20:08.510 --> 00:20:14.300
got a friend, right? Everybody's
got a friend. That's not the we

00:20:14.300 --> 00:20:18.830
have to do that. We have to do
that we have to go find the one.

00:20:19.370 --> 00:20:23.480
President Nelson's birthday
bash, right is go find the one

00:20:23.750 --> 00:20:28.460
minister to the one, find the
one bring them in. When were you

00:20:28.460 --> 00:20:33.650
the one and somebody brought you
in? That is part of our job. We

00:20:33.650 --> 00:20:38.600
have to do that. But that
doesn't mean that we have to

00:20:38.600 --> 00:20:43.820
feel assigned. And wasn't an
elder Ashton. Whose was it elder

00:20:43.820 --> 00:20:45.410
ashen? Where did that quote go?

00:20:50.180 --> 00:20:50.780
Sorry.

00:20:52.460 --> 00:20:56.210
When we make a man, woman, when
we make a person feel they are

00:20:56.210 --> 00:21:00.350
wanted, their whole attitude
changes. Our friendship will be

00:21:00.350 --> 00:21:03.770
recognizable if our actions and
attitudes result in improvement

00:21:03.800 --> 00:21:06.410
and independence. And I'm going
to go back to a quote from a

00:21:06.410 --> 00:21:09.170
couple of episodes ago, what if
your only motive was love.

00:21:10.550 --> 00:21:15.230
It wasn't just to check the box.
But to actually learn something

00:21:15.230 --> 00:21:20.690
about somebody and learn to love
them. From our last episode,

00:21:20.810 --> 00:21:25.010
following the Holy Ghost and
allowing Heavenly Father to show

00:21:25.010 --> 00:21:27.530
you what he sees in them.

00:21:30.170 --> 00:21:39.410
Okay, if so, he he says,
consider the power of each one

00:21:39.410 --> 00:21:42.830
of us 10 million strong. So
again, 1999, we're up over

00:21:42.830 --> 00:21:47.060
16,000,016 to 18 million, I'm
going to change that to 16. Just

00:21:47.060 --> 00:21:51.890
to be conservative, consider the
power of each one of us. 16

00:21:51.890 --> 00:21:55.820
million strong of our own free
will and choice reaching out to

00:21:55.820 --> 00:22:00.050
those not yet of our faith in
unconditional friendship. I'm

00:22:00.050 --> 00:22:02.270
not just going to be your friend
because I want you to come to my

00:22:02.270 --> 00:22:06.140
church, I'm going to be your
friend because I like you. I'm

00:22:06.140 --> 00:22:08.810
going to be your friend because
I want to be your friend. I'm

00:22:08.810 --> 00:22:12.560
going to bring you cookies,
because I want to bring you

00:22:12.560 --> 00:22:16.100
cookies. Not because I want you
to come to church with me not

00:22:16.100 --> 00:22:18.680
because I want you to come and
meet the missionaries. Not

00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:24.380
because fill in the blank with
your favorite response, the one

00:22:24.380 --> 00:22:25.430
that's been done to you.

00:22:26.460 --> 00:22:28.890
That's not That's not what this
is for. Right.

00:22:30.600 --> 00:22:34.230
He says if we did that, we would
no longer be accused of offering

00:22:34.230 --> 00:22:39.210
warm bread and a cold shoulder.
Ooh, I read that and I kind of

00:22:39.210 --> 00:22:41.940
winced for a second we would no
longer be accused of offering

00:22:41.940 --> 00:22:45.240
warm bread and a cold shoulder.
Gosh, I hope I don't offer warm

00:22:45.240 --> 00:22:48.900
bread and a cold soul cold
shoulder. Imagine the

00:22:48.900 --> 00:22:51.750
consequences for good if each
active family and the church

00:22:51.750 --> 00:22:55.020
offered consistent concern and
genuine friendship to a less

00:22:55.020 --> 00:22:57.270
active family or a new member
family.

00:22:59.070 --> 00:23:03.900
We just need to be a friend. And
I'm gonna I'm gonna go ahead and

00:23:03.900 --> 00:23:08.640
close this with this other this
quote again, it's at the very

00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:11.370
top, you know, they do the
conference articles. And then

00:23:11.370 --> 00:23:15.630
right at the very top they pull
out like the one liner. It's

00:23:15.630 --> 00:23:19.470
down towards the bottom. He says
brothers and sisters, my message

00:23:19.470 --> 00:23:23.010
today is very simple. If we
truly want to be tools in the

00:23:23.010 --> 00:23:25.770
hands of our Heavenly Father and
bringing to pass his eternal

00:23:25.770 --> 00:23:29.700
purposes, we need only to be a
friend.

00:23:31.530 --> 00:23:32.790
So pick somebody

00:23:34.260 --> 00:23:40.140
active, inactive. Not a member
of our faith. Not a member of

00:23:40.140 --> 00:23:44.760
our church. Doesn't matter who
they are. Pick somebody and

00:23:44.760 --> 00:23:46.380
choose to become their friend.

00:23:49.410 --> 00:23:53.040
Thank you so much for joining me
today on International

00:23:53.040 --> 00:23:56.280
Friendship Day. This one was
kind of fun. I might have to try

00:23:56.280 --> 00:23:57.240
that again someday.

00:23:58.440 --> 00:23:59.400
Be a friend.

00:24:00.810 --> 00:24:04.350
I think it's Michael McLean
song. Be that friend you always

00:24:04.410 --> 00:24:06.780
needed be the friend you always
wanted.

00:24:08.010 --> 00:24:11.370
Be that person for somebody
else. And let's see what

00:24:11.370 --> 00:24:15.690
happens. Thanks, you guys. I'll
talk to you again in a couple of

00:24:15.690 --> 00:24:17.430
days. Have a good week.