Paisley: Hi everybody, Paisley imperfect hair with a with
another message today. Well tomorrow. I'm recording this
Monday night tomorrow, Tuesday when this is actually published
is International Friendship Day. So I thought we could do a
message on being a friend and friendship, what it really
means.
And if you remember, that's actually one of the things in
President Kimball's talk about how when we become friends with
those who are not of our faith, how it will bring them in, it
will lead them to their Savior and bring them into the church.
So I wanted to start with I'm going to flip flop back and
forth between two talks. One is called what is a friend from
October 1972, Marvin J. Ashton and the other one is called
friendship a gospel principle and is from April of 1999, and
is Marlin K. Jensen. So that's not going to get confusing at
all right, Marvin?
Marvin J. Ashton, Marlin K. Jensen. That's gonna be fun.
So what is a friend's in the October one? So elder Ashton
said, someone who said, A friend is a person who is willing to
take me the way I am accepting this as one definition of the
word. May I quickly suggest that we are something less than a
real friend. If we leave a person the same way we find him?
I'm, I think it was my dad, the first time that I heard it. My
dad always had these one liners that I always thought were
awesome. And until, I don't know, probably 10 years ago,
maybe I thought he made most of them up.
But he did not that he might have actually gotten this one
from this talk, I don't know. But he he used to tell me. Of
course, I love you the way you are, of course, I love you the
way you are. But I love you too much to leave you that way.
And I've used that in seminary lessons and in young women
lessons to make a point that, of course, our heavenly Father
loves us the way we are. And especially in today's world
where everything is all about me, it's the Me, me, me. I need
to take care of myself, I need to focus on myself, I need to
find myself, I need to reinvent myself. It's the Me, me me,
syndrome, whatever you want to call it.
Of course, our heavenly Father loves us the way that we are. Of
course he does. But he didn't put us on this planet. He didn't
give us mortality. He didn't give us the plan of salvation to
leave us the way that we are. The whole point is to become
better versions of ourselves to become the best version of
ourselves. So again, I'm just gonna reiterate really quick,
elder Ashton. Accepting this saw a friend is a person who is
willing to take me the way I am accepting this as one definition
of the word. May I quickly suggest that we are something
less than a real friend if we leave a person the same way we
find him a real friend. Actually, he goes on and I
really liked this part two, he said acts of a friend should
result in self improvement, better attitudes, self reliance,
comfort, consolation, self respect and better welfare.
Certainly the word friend is misused. If it is identified
with a person who contributes toward to our delinquency,
misery, and heartaches has not a friend, a friend will help us
become better. A friend will help us as we self reflect a
friend will encourage us to make the best of a bad situation.
Sure, there's some validation and whatnot, that should
probably also be included. But if those are the only kinds of
friends that we're seeking, the ones that validate where we
currently are, and don't challenge us to become better
versions of ourselves.
In my opinion, that's not really a true friend.
He says when we make a man feel he has wanted his whole attitude
changes. Our friendship will be recognizable if our actions and
attitudes results in improvement and independence.
Think about the people that you consider to your friends. And is
it him or is it it is okay. So in older Ashton's talk he I
asked he shares he asked the question to a bunch of different
people in a bunch a bunch of different places in their lives.
And he asked Who is your best friend, and an eight year old
girl said it was her mom because she's nice to me. A priest aged
young man, so somewhere between 16 and 18 said it was his bishop
because he listens to him. A 19 year old girl was her teacher,
because she's always available to me even after class. 13 year
old boy said my Scoutmaster because he does everything with
us. A prisoner, said the chaplain, because he believes in
me, he believed me sometimes when he shouldn't have a husband
said my wife, because she's the best part of me. And then he
suggests, actually, he suggests that before this, but he
reiterates his question from these can we not conclude that
friendship is earned?
Friendship isn't something that is just given away, it's not
something that you just automatically have sure you Yes,
you can have connections with people immediately immediate
connections. I've had those before, too. But true friendship
is earned.
So I have, gosh, I am very blessed to have quite a few
friends in my life. And I have three friends, four actually
that I can think of off the top of my head right now, who really
push me.
They say the hard things to me. When I asked them for feedback,
did I handle that Okay? they'll tell me, Oh, you could have
handled it a little bit better. You could have done it a little
bit differently. Or they'll hear somebody else say something
about me. And then they'll come to me, and they'll just be like,
Hey, I heard this thing. It's probably from this. I know that
you want to know. So here's something that somebody said,
Here's what I think it means. And they'll like, they'll help
me figure it out so that I can so that I can become a better
version of myself.
He says a friend is a person who will suggest and render the best
for us regardless of the immediate consequences. And then
he gives the example of Winston Churchill. He says Sir Winston
Churchill became Great Britain's greatest friend in his country's
darkest hour because he was courageous enough to call for
blood toil, tears and sweat. When some would have accepted
Him more readily as a friend, he advocated peaceful surrender. So
I take that to mean, I'm not a war experts. But I take that to
mean that we have we have friends. And we have
acquaintances, we have good friends who come at us with
blood toil, tears and sweat instead of just placating us.
And just, again, like I said, validation. Yes, validation is
important, but validate me, and then correct me. When when I'm
ready for it. Correct me? Do you remember this one time when you
said this? You weren't ready to hear it then. But I think you're
ready to hear it now. And tell me that as a true friend,
Lincoln, he quotes Abraham Lincoln.
President Abraham Lincoln was once criticized for his attitude
towards his enemies. Why do you try to make friends of them as
an associate you should try to destroy them? And I love
Lincoln's reply, am I not destroying my enemies when I
make them, my friends?
They are no longer his enemies. And that quote also suggests
that he didn't change to become friends with them. He changed
them so they could become friends with him.
Let's see. There is I'm going to switch over to friendship elder
Jensen's talk. And he talks about how friendship friendships
specifically as friendship is not mentioned in the scriptures
very often. There is that scripture that says, And he
quotes it in here somewhere that says no greater love.
There's no greater love than this that a man lay down his
life for his friends. When he's talking. He's the Savior is
talking to his disciples. Oh, must be another Ashton's talk.
But, so but he points out elder Jensen points out that perhaps
one reason is quote from his talk. Perhaps one reason the
scriptures make little specific mention of the principle of
friendship is because it should be manifest quite naturally as
we live the gospel. In fact, if the consummate Christian
attribute of charity has a first cousin. It is friendship.
And then he replaces in that scripture that many of us are
very familiar with. He replaces the word charity with
friendship. Let's see, and that is in the Scripture is First
Corinthians, chapter 13. He says, friendships suffereth long
in his kind, friendship envy, if not seek, if not her own, is not
easily provoked. thinketh no evil friendship never fail. If
one of these four friends that I was just talking about a minute
ago, I said something really stupid to her once. And I didn't
even think about it.
I actually said it. I didn't say it to her. I set it to one or
the other three, in front of her. And still to this day, it
eats me up inside. She has probably forgotten about it. But
I've been thinking about it all day as I've been getting ready
for this. So after this, I will be sending a text message to
apologize for something I said a really long time ago that was
really stupid. But it's still eating at me.
Also, in elder Jensen's talk, he says if we truly want to be
tools in the hands of our Heavenly Father and bringing to
pass his eternal purposes, we need only to be a friend. If you
think about it, the first two commandments that Jesus gave
when asked the famous question, which is the greatest of all the
commandments, the first to have to deal with friendship, right?
Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. Just be a friend.
That's all that we need to do. That really simplifies
everything, doesn't it?
He says, again, elder Jensen, all of our interactions in the
church are made more enjoyable and productive when they are
accompanied by genuine feelings of friendship.
And he talks about different kinds of friends. In this
article he talks about. He talks about husband and wife being
friends and quotes a letter from Joseph Smith to his wife, Emma.
Oh my affection and Emma, I want you to remember that I am a true
and faithful friend to you and the children forever. He talks
about the friendship between parents and children.
He talks about the organization of the church and how it fosters
friendships. He said from our youngest to our oldest years, we
are in settings where friendship and sociality can flourish. In
interviews, meetings, classes, quorums, councils, activities
and a variety of other opportunities for Association,
we can make friends and find understanding.
We are set up to become friends.
Hmm, I'm okay, I'm going to come back to the I just I had a
thought I'm going to come back to it here in just a little bit.
He talks about the teacher or like a teacher student
relationship, a teacher of the gospel, for instance, who
doesn't be friend, his or her students will sell them teach
with lasting influence and effect.
He talks about a bishop who is a bishop no matter how skilled and
administrative matters must be a friend to children, youth and
adults if he has to help them reach their spiritual potential.
All of these things are coming through friendship.
He talks about okay, yeah, this is what I wanted to talk about
this. So he tells this story of a time when he was serving as a
bishop. And there was a family who had just moved into his ward
from a community back east, somewhere out on the eastern the
eastern half of the United States. And they moved into this
Utah community from so they moved in from a branch they had
just gotten baptized, back east, they were in like a small
branch, and they move out to Utah into this highly
established Ward and they just kind of slipped through the
cracks.
This was back in 1999. This still happens. They especially
when people move they move in to show up for a Sunday or two.
Don't make an immediate friend and sometimes we see him again
and sometimes we don't.
But he talks about how one Sunday he noticed that the the
father of this family was missing from a priesthood
meeting and so he left the church and he went over to the
guy's house to find out what was going on.
And they talked about, he says after exploring, after exploring
various possibilities for responding to his concerns, none
of which seemed to appeal to him very much. I asked him with a
tone of frustration in my voice, just what we could do to help
him. I've never forgotten his reply. Well, Bishop, for
heaven's sake, whatever you do, please don't assign me a friend.
How many times through visiting teaching or home teaching and
even ministering have, we felt like we have been assigned a
friend, somebody just to make sure that we're okay, just in
case there's an earthquake, but they're not. They're just
assigned to us. They're just, we're just a name. Right? We're
just a name on a list to them. He says, I learned a great
lesson that day. No one wants to become a project. We all want
spontaneously to be loved. And if we are to have friends, we
want them to be genuine and sincere, not assigned.
The church has done in my opinion. I don't, I don't really
want this to be a visiting teaching slash ministering.
Focus. I want to keep this focused on friendships. But I
can't not say it.
I struggled with visiting teaching, I struggled with it. I
had always felt like an assign a friend. Not I never felt like
the people who were assigned. I never felt like the people who
were assigned to teach me felt like they were assigned to teach
me. I felt like I was being assigned to people.
That that didn't need me. That's not the way that I felt like
they thought I thought that they thought that I was just being
assigned to them. Just as an assign a friend. That's how it
always felt. I got to show up with a message and some little
handout or a little treat, which is so not my style. I'm not. I
think I got asked to teach Relief Society once I don't do
tablecloths. I don't do flowers. Like that's just not that's not
my thing. If the spirit isn't enough to bring me in.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that. My
point is ministering changed ministering, when they announced
the change from home and visiting teaching to
ministering, I was like, thank goodness, finally, we are taking
this program and making it what it's always supposed to have
been from the start. We shouldn't have to be assigned to
go find people. And actually a Relief Society president in my
ward took a really good approach. This was
the one right before the one we have now. But the one that we
have now has continued on with it. She took a really good
approach. And she started asking people, who do you want to be a
minister to?
And you might think, and I thought at first and I asked her
later, I answered the question, I told her who I wanted to be a
minister to. They weren't the people that I told her. Were not
my best friends. It's not like I was trying to make my clique
stronger or anything like that. They were people that I
genuinely wanted to get to know better, and serve.
And when I asked her later, I was like, so did everybody get
covered? And she was like, yep, multiple times. Everybody got
covered.
Everybody had a ministering sister. And they were chosen.
Somebody chose them.
Okay, I should caveat that not everybody did, because there are
some people who aren't there. And you just don't even know
that they're, you just don't even know that they're there.
They've been inactive for so long. You're new in the area.
They just moved in. So you didn't know that they were
there. Not everybody. She had to make some assignments to cover
the people that nobody knew about. But she, as part of the
initial question, Who do you want to minister to? And would
you be willing to minister to somebody who you don't know
because they're not here?
Majority of people answered yes. And everybody was easily
covered. I can't tell you if our statistics went up. Frankly, I
don't really care that much of our statistics went up because
these people are not numbers. They are people.
If I was the Relief Society president I might care if the
statistics went up, but only from the perspective of making
sure that everybody was covered.
Even using that language is a little counterproductive, isn't
it? I just want to make sure everybody's covered. Everybody's
got a friend, right? Everybody's got a friend. That's not the we
have to do that. We have to do that we have to go find the one.
President Nelson's birthday bash, right is go find the one
minister to the one, find the one bring them in. When were you
the one and somebody brought you in? That is part of our job. We
have to do that. But that doesn't mean that we have to
feel assigned. And wasn't an elder Ashton. Whose was it elder
ashen? Where did that quote go?
Sorry.
When we make a man, woman, when we make a person feel they are
wanted, their whole attitude changes. Our friendship will be
recognizable if our actions and attitudes result in improvement
and independence. And I'm going to go back to a quote from a
couple of episodes ago, what if your only motive was love.
It wasn't just to check the box. But to actually learn something
about somebody and learn to love them. From our last episode,
following the Holy Ghost and allowing Heavenly Father to show
you what he sees in them.
Okay, if so, he he says, consider the power of each one
of us 10 million strong. So again, 1999, we're up over
16,000,016 to 18 million, I'm going to change that to 16. Just
to be conservative, consider the power of each one of us. 16
million strong of our own free will and choice reaching out to
those not yet of our faith in unconditional friendship. I'm
not just going to be your friend because I want you to come to my
church, I'm going to be your friend because I like you. I'm
going to be your friend because I want to be your friend. I'm
going to bring you cookies, because I want to bring you
cookies. Not because I want you to come to church with me not
because I want you to come and meet the missionaries. Not
because fill in the blank with your favorite response, the one
that's been done to you.
That's not That's not what this is for. Right.
He says if we did that, we would no longer be accused of offering
warm bread and a cold shoulder. Ooh, I read that and I kind of
winced for a second we would no longer be accused of offering
warm bread and a cold shoulder. Gosh, I hope I don't offer warm
bread and a cold soul cold shoulder. Imagine the
consequences for good if each active family and the church
offered consistent concern and genuine friendship to a less
active family or a new member family.
We just need to be a friend. And I'm gonna I'm gonna go ahead and
close this with this other this quote again, it's at the very
top, you know, they do the conference articles. And then
right at the very top they pull out like the one liner. It's
down towards the bottom. He says brothers and sisters, my message
today is very simple. If we truly want to be tools in the
hands of our Heavenly Father and bringing to pass his eternal
purposes, we need only to be a friend.
So pick somebody
active, inactive. Not a member of our faith. Not a member of
our church. Doesn't matter who they are. Pick somebody and
choose to become their friend.
Thank you so much for joining me today on International
Friendship Day. This one was kind of fun. I might have to try
that again someday.
Be a friend.
I think it's Michael McLean song. Be that friend you always
needed be the friend you always wanted.
Be that person for somebody else. And let's see what
happens. Thanks, you guys. I'll talk to you again in a couple of
days. Have a good week.